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Jamaica Includes It All By Geoff Edwards
This past winter, my wife, Michael, and I set out to explore five of Jamaica's most established all-inclusive resorts; Couples, Franklyn D. Resort, Hedo 3, Grand Lido Negril, and Sandals Montego Bay. Couples Ocho Rios It’s an interesting two-hour drive from the airport, through Ocho Rios, to Couples. We saw some beautiful scenery, lovely homes, and a small wooden shack of a store with a sign proclaiming “future Wal-Mart”. Michael was tickled at the sight of a MacDonald’s with 4 cows grazing next to the entrance. Talk about no middleman. I was intrigued by the advertisements for “Cock Soup”. Even though there was a picture of a Rooster on the sign, I was wary about the ingredients. My suspicions were later confirmed by a recipe I got from a local manicurist. Perhaps a picture of a steer would have been more appropriate. When we arrived at Couples, and we were handed a cold towel to refresh our skin and cold champagne to refresh our spirit, we knew this was going to be special. The lobby is beautiful, with a view straight through to the water and Tower Island. These days Tower Island serves as Couples’ nude area; the only access, a three-minute boat ride. Bathing suits remain in place until the nudenicks get to the swim up pool bar on far side of the island. My binoculars were of absolutely no use. Accommodations vary. All guest rooms offer king size beds, ceiling fan, satellite TV, telephone, CD player and radio, shower, bath, hair dryer, coffee maker, in room safe, and a balcony or patio. With our one-bedroom suite that over looked the beach, came a four poster bed, afternoon hors d’ oeuvres and champagne. The luxury villas add a private plunge pool, and a stocked wet bar. Couples is restricted to twosomes only, no children. The age limit of 21 has now been lowered to 18, which coincidently matches the drinking age in Jamaica. Couples offers fewer on-site activities than other resorts. The reasoning here is that people want to be with each other in a romantic setting, and are not that interested in beach bingo. One duo from the UK told us that they left their children at home, and picked Couples because they wanted a place where there were no kids. Thus they could enjoy each other, and not feel guilty about not being with “family”. But that is not to say that Couples does not offer diversion. They call themselves the most inclusive of the all-inclusives, and tours, excursions, horseback riding, golf, 24-hour room service, and even weddings are all part of the package. Two of their four tennis courts are lit, with tennis pro Norman offering free clinics every day. A squash pro oversees two squash courts. There
are five restaurants with Le Gourmet the most upscale. Here,
reservations are a must, and a dress code of jackets for men
is in
place. In place,
but not strictly enforced. The night we ate there, only two men had
jackets on;
me and
the piano player. The service was slow but steady, the food excellent. At Couples, you will relax, refresh, and maybe even reinvent your relationship. But what if you want the kids with you? Never fear, FDR is near. Franklyn D. Resort About 30 minutes closer to Montego Bay, at Runaway Bay, is Jamaica’s first all suite, all inclusive, family resort, FDR. At FDR children are King, Mrs. Miller is Queen, and parents have the time of their kids lives. Mrs. Miller is a former teacher who is in charge of all the youngster’s activities, and the kids love her. Many of the families we met come here again and again. One couple, with four boys, ages 4 to 12, are nine-year veterans. Another woman, with her baby, had stayed several times as a young girl, and now was back with her beginning family. Check in at FDR is no frills. A small reception desk under a thatched roof is the gateway to the property. Families register while their kids strain at the leash. Unencumbered by children, we were regarded a bit suspiciously. As we waited to register, the van that delivered us backed up and ran over our luggage. As the van disappeared down the road, I surveyed the damaged bag and thought, well, at least it looks as if we have kids. Accommodations are nicely furnished one, two, and three bedroom suites, each with kitchen and balcony or terrace. At check in time, each suite is assigned a nanny who will take care of your children as you wish. That care is complimentary, although there is a small fee for babysitting at night. It doesn’t take the kids long to find out that the nanny knows more about where to find fun then the parents do, and within a day, the kids have disappeared into their own zone, and the adults go on vacation. There are activities throughout the day for families together, or the adults can go off on their own while their children spend their time at the playground, or in the computer center. Teens learn sailing, windsurfing, and tennis. The beach and pools are all child safe, but the big attraction is the giant waterslide. Even daddy likes this one. And, everybody loves crazy dress up night. That evening traditionally ends with kids and parents dancing together to a Jamaican beat. At all the resorts we visited, the buffets were ample, but FDR adds multicolored Cheerios, lots of peanut butter, fries, and more ketchup than you ever thought existed, The attentive waitresses pay special attention to the needs of the youngsters. At night, children have a special kids section if they want to eat away from their parents, and, for the abandoned adults, there is a “no kids allowed” area. The main bar is open to anyone old enough to see over the counter. Banana shakes and Heath Bar smoothies, the current child favorites, are delivered only after the bartenders extract a “please”, and a “thank you”. For those who don’t want to even think about children, there is Hedonism III. Also in Runaway Bay, it’s affectionately called Hedo 3. Hedo 3 Look up “hedonism” in the dictionary, and whatever it says you will find at Hedo 3. The hedonism starts when you enter your room. Yes, that person staring down at you from the ceiling over your bed is you, or in our case, us. Same with the mirror over the Jacuzzi tub. To see others in a Jacuzzi, tune into the Playboy channel pumped into the rooms 24 hours a day. Most rooms have king or two twin beds (wonder if you get two mirrors), suites have king. Pick a view; pool, garden, beach, or nude. There are three main pools at Hedo 3; the clothing optional pool, the “you gotta wear something, mon” pool, and the nude pool. The clothing optional pool, which I prefer to call “Le Pool Voyeur” is large and well laid (no pun intended) out, with cushioned and comfortable recliners on the spacious pool deck. A terrace with recliners is above the swim up bar, offering shade below and sun above. This pool is quiet and subdued, perfect for sunning and book reading. But please keep your eyes on the page. The “you gotta wear something” pool has an actual pool table in the middle of the pool. With a swim up bar, and inflated chaise floats, it is located directly adjacent to the buffet area. It even has built in tables and stools for in-water sitting and drinking. You are not allowed to use the nude pool unless you are naked. We have no report on the nude pool. However, a look from afar confirmed a suspicion of mine. Nudity is not necessarily sexy. Think midnight buffet on a cruise ship, and then visualize the whole group naked. Nonetheless, those at the nude pool seemed to be having a great time, and there was more scheduled activity there than anywhere else on the property. For beach lovers, there are two sandy stretches, one for the nude, and one for the prude. Alert! Prudery is only a below the waist phenomenon. The food at Hedo 3 was excellent and there are several specialty restaurants besides the buffet. The Japanese restaurant Munahana, where the chefs cook with flashing knives on a large flat grill is a must visit. Another choice is Pastafari` which serves traditional Italian food, plus Jerk Pasta, a Jamaica fusion dish, in a lovely sophisticated setting. For more traditional Jamaican food, eat at Scotch Bonnet, a terrace restaurant overlooking the sea. That is where I first tasted Ackee (ah key), a combination of salt cod and a fruit long ago imported from Africa. It is most often served warm for breakfast, and looks a lot like scrambled eggs. Bar drinks are for the most part served in plastic glasses with lots of booze. My dry Martini on the rocks came in a water glass with a straw. I watched as vodka instead of tequila was poured into the Bloody Maria that I ordered. The bartender thought I was Spanish, and thus had mispronounced Mary. Best to say exactly what ingredients you want in off beat drink orders, otherwise your Salty Dog may be wagging it’s tail. A neat feature of Hedo 3 is the three-story waterslide that becomes a transparent tube when it courses across the disco ceiling. From start to splash it is about a 12 second ride. The disco is a ride in itself. At night this place rocks. Want to really fly? Attend circus school, with trapeze, nets, but no cotton candy. Visitors to Hedo III fall into three categories; those who do, those who wish they did, and those who stand apart. Those who stand apart might be happier at Grand Lido Negril. Grand Lido Negril Now that the road to Negril is improved, Grand Lido Negril, on the Western coast of Jamaica, is only about an hour and a half of scenic transfer from Montego Bay airport. First impressions being important, we were struck by the beauty of the Grand Lido Lobby. Registration was in a private bar, Amici, where our paper work was handled over an ice cold Red Stripe, the local beer. Grand Lido Negril is like a Grand Dame, whose slowly emerging age wrinkles only add to her character. Character aside, during our stay, she was undergoing, if not a facelift, certainly a serious nip and tuck, including new furniture. Most of the accommodations are split level junior suites a stones throw from the beach and an underhanded toss to the main road. Unfortunately, not everything in our suite was functional, due, I think, to the remodeling, but a single call to the office had us up and running in ten minutes. This resort is for couples, singles, and adult families (16 and older). We found the clientele a bit more sophisticated here, and perhaps more along in life. Many of the guests were repeaters, some as many as 30 times. You are made to feel comfortable at Grand Lido, and with all the recreational activities, there is not much reason to venture off property. Particularly, since you’ll frolic on what has been called the best beach in the Caribbean. Seven miles long, with the first two miles owned by the resort, it is all accessible to Grand Lido guests. Walk the opposite direction, past a massage gazebo or two, and you’ll come across the clothing optional beach. A feature that Michael loved was the complimentary manicure and pedicure for each of us. Full service wedding packages are also included, and, if you want, you can get married on Princess Grace’s former yacht, now named the M/Y Zein. She, (the Zein, not the Princess) also takes anyone in the mood out for daily sunset cruises. Grand Lido has four restaurants plus an open-air buffet serving breakfast and lunch The French, fine dining, Piacere, requires both reservations and jackets. They are as serious about their dress code as they are about their service. There is a quaint Italian restaurant, La Pasta, and our favorite, the Café Lido. Jamaican food is served at their Scotch Bonnet. As you may know by now, the Scotch Bonnet is one hot pepper! Grand Lido is divided into three “villages” and each has its own clubhouse with terrace, Jacuzzi, light meals and full bar service. There is also 24-hour room service. You will not go hungry here. Our last stop was the airport. Well, almost. Sandals Montego Bay If you would rather spend the first hour or so that you are in Jamaica in a recliner drinking a Red Stripe, instead of bumping along in a van, Sandals Montego Bay is for you. Located adjacent to the airport runway, it is literally “off the plane and onto the beach”. And the beach is beautiful, the biggest in Montego Bay. Of course, there is a price to pay for this convenience. Traditionally, whenever a jet takes off, everyone at the resort, whether inside or out, waves goodbye. Halfway through the day, we needed to change waving arms, but except for not hearing a few sentences of the Sopranos that evening, the jet roar was not really bothersome. Although many come here year after year, this is a younger group of people. While no one under 18 is allowed, and it is couples only, most guests were in their twenties and early thirties. Even so, you won’t find a nude beach at Sandals Montego Bay. When we mentioned to General Manager, Horace Peterkin, that this was different than the other adult resorts we had visited, he said that was because Sandals was about romance. The assumption that romance could not coexist with nudity was one that was open to argument, but we declined. Argument aside, romance was in the air. Marriages were announced on the bulletin board, sometimes four a day. Most took place in the large wedding chapel, an exclusive feature of Sandals Montego Bay. Also available, free shuttle service to other Sandals in the immediate area, where, as their guest, you can sample the restaurants, and generally make yourself at home. At Sandals Montego Bay, there are five dining rooms, and while there is a semblance of dress code; no shorts in one, dressy shorts allowed in another; that’s about it. Forget the jacket, pack an extra collared polo shirt, and you are welcome anywhere. Best eating is the Jamaican Cuisine in the Oleander Room which replicates the Great Rooms of the historic plantations. Tokyo Joes is very popular too, with all the showbiz preparation we’ve come to expect over the large sizzling grill. I loved the Beach Grill where I gorged on Ackee and chicken sandwiches. Our beachfront suite had a huge
bathroom with Jacuzzi tub, separate living room, and fully stocked
bar. Other rooms were ample, but
the most exciting
are in the
new concierge section. Each beachside room has a bar, walk-in closet,
and Jacuzzi tub and their own registration area. Flying home was uncomplicated. Our bags went from the room to Sandals own departure lounge. We showed up, and Air Jamaica checked us in on the spot. When we were transferred to the airport, we simply went to our gate. After, that is, we each paid a $28.00 departure tax. There is a no tipping
policy at all-inclusives, but that policy only starts when you
enter the resort. Prior to that, tipping is
expected.
The clientele
at all
the resorts we visited was diverse, and each resort, except FDR,
had a Gala Buffet night and a Beach Party night. The Gala buffets
were
extravagant, offering copious
amounts of wide-ranging choices. Do try the local dishes, but know
what you
are eating. I ordered a Jamaican Pepper Pot soup, which, according
to the
menu, included
Pig Tail Shrimp. The little curlicue thing I ate was not a shrimp.
It was, yup, a pigtail. The menu printer had forgotten the comma
between Pig Tail,
and Shrimp.
Sorry, Porky.  |
It’s
warm, it’s intriguing, it’s seductive; it still has
the
voodoo you do so well. It’s Jamaica, mon. Dangerous in spots, languorous
in others, and charming in most, Jamaica is a bit bipolar. Sparkling enclaves
containing the country’s popular all-inclusive resorts contrast sharply
with the image created by Kingston drug gangs.